


Gin, Darts and Strawberries

by TriassicParker



Category: One Piece
Genre: Alcohol, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Cigarettes, Comfort, Eating Disorders, Friendship, Gen, Purging, Smoking, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-09
Updated: 2019-07-09
Packaged: 2020-06-25 00:28:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19734718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TriassicParker/pseuds/TriassicParker
Summary: Sanji hasn't eaten for a few days. But it's okay, nobody's noticed. Nobody ever notices, until it's too late.





	Gin, Darts and Strawberries

**Author's Note:**

> This piece of fiction is mostly a projection of my eating disorder. Sanji was my target due to his history of starvation and as he's the only smoker on the Straw Hat crew. If you are sensitive to substance abuse, purging, binging, or obsession with food and body image, do not read this fanfiction. It is raw and not sugar coated - just poorly written.

Sanji hadn't eaten for days.  
No one had noticed yet. The crew was occupied; they were going through some stormy seas. The Sunny was steadfast, but the weather had kept everyone busy - taking turns at the helm and adjusting the sails.  
Everyone except for Sanji. He'd kept to himself in the galley, cooking for everyone to keep their strength and hopes up through the trying seas.  
The food he was cooking was delicious and nutritious, despite the waning rations. Sanji felt guilty, like he wasn't worthy of the food he was producing. Everyone on the crew was so dedicated and strong. They were working hard in these storms and he was just... Cooking. Useless cooking, like always. It was better this way. They were fed, and he wasn't.  
Luckily, they had stocked up on Sanji's favourite cigarettes and a lot of gin. Sanji didn't usually drink, let alone drink gin. But when he was in this state, he drank quite a lot. The gin helped him sleep, helped his body ignore the growling in his stomach. He smoked more than usual too, closer to 40 a day. The smoke stopped him from getting the shakes, and from everyone noticing he was tipsy. 

As the storms continued, Sanji's fasting developed into a belief that he was being selfless, that he was saving the rations for the rest of the crew by not eating. He was fine, he was helping. 

It was the thirty second day of Sanji's fast, and he woke up with an insane headache. He took a deep swig of gin, left the men's quarters and left for the galley, lighting his first dart for the day.  
Breathe in, breathe out.  
It was still dark outside, and the wind battered the sails. Another unpleasant day.  
For breakfast, he was making an assortment of pancakes with thawed fruit, hoping the nutrients hadn't been lost in the freezer.  
As he was cooking, he began to slowly pick at the food, his stomach complaining and growling for more. It started with just a taste of the batter, then a nibble at some strawberries...  
By the time Sanji had regained himself from his binge, there were no pancakes or fruit left. He'd gorged himself on the breakfast intended for the eight other members of the crew.  
A hatred clenched in his stomach, a hatred for himself and the food he cooked. Guilt scrambled in his gut, punishing him for stealing from his crew, for betraying the captain.  
He ran from the galley, bile filling his mouth. He made it to the stern in time to empty his stomach into the turmilous seas below.  
Everything churned it's way out of his gut and into the dark seas.  
It was so cold, and he was shaking now. So weak from the energy it took to vomit.  
He fell slowly to the ground, thoughts of gaunt faces and fleshless bones beneath skin swimming in his mind.  
He felt like he was dying. 

"Sanji?" Sanji jumped at the soft voice behind him. "Sanji what are you doing?" The voice rose in urgency, a rasp clattering in their throat.  
"Uh, hi... Uso...pp." Sanji turned away from the ocean and looked up at the sharpshooter. Usopp's face was twisted with concern, wrought with more than just his usual worry.  
Usopp sat down next to Sanji. "are you shivering?" He wrapped his arm over Sanji's shoulders, immidiatley noticing how raw and bony Sanji was.  
"When you weren't in the galley or the men's quarters I got worried."  
Sanji continued to shiver, too weak to reply to the thousands of questions Usopp was throwing at him. They were mostly rhetorical, anyway.  
Usopp had made an art of reading people, often knowing when to comfort and when to tell stories or jokes. But it had been a long time since he had had a sickly, dying friend to support. He was stuck on what to do.  
Sanji was struggling to keep his eyes open, the lights from the ship were hurting them. His breaths were shallow, and his hands were shaking too much for him to pull out a cigarette.  
Usopp reached over and took the pack of darts out of his hand. He pulled Sanji's hands into his own. They were cold and stiff, as if he was dead already.  
"I ever tell you the story of when I defeated 40,000 mountain bandits?" Usopp said, looking down as he warmed up Sanji's hands, rubbing them in his own.  
Usopp told his tall tale, partially making it up as he went along. He wasn't really focussed on the story, he was worried that Sanji wasn't getting warmer.  
Usopp cut himself off, "do you want to go inside?"  
Sanji nodded and tried to stand up to follow Usopp, but he didn't have the strength. Purging had taken everything out of him, not just the contents of his stomach.  
Usopp gulped. He hoped Zoro wasn't around to see them. The marksman picked up the frail cook, scared at how weightless he felt. He held him around the shoulders, knowing Sanji's chest was sensitive enough when he was strong, let alone dying.  
Sanji's head fell against Usopp's shoulder as he supported the crook of his knees and his back. Usopp laughed and claimed he had gotten so much stronger through these storms. Sanji just nodded, curling into Usopp's chest. The cook stood slightly taller than Usopp, but right now he felt so small. Usopp ignored the skipping of his heart and the closeness of Sanji; now wasn't the time.  
Usopp carefully carried Sanji from the stern down to the medical bay. Chopper was still asleep, but at least Sanji could get some privacy and warmth in the medical cot.  
Usopp laid Sanji down on the bed, the cook attempted a small smile. Usopp removed his shoes and tucked him in. Rummaging through Chopper's cupboards for another blanket, Usopp's mind began playing through all the possibilities of what was wrong with Sanji.  
He admitted they'd all neglected him since they entered the stormy weather. There wasn't much downtime for stories, and meal times together were space. Sanji rarely ate with them...  
Usopp paused, a fluffy blanket that felt like skypeia clouds in his hands.  
When was the last time he saw Sanji eat?  
Every time he'd seen the cook in the past weeks, he had been smoking or sipping a glass of gin.  
He turned to the cook, who was shivering too hard to fall asleep.  
"Sanji, when was the last time you ate something?" It was the first blunt question Usopp had asked. His playful tone diminished into a quaking whisper.  
Sanji looked at Usopp, his long nosed friend was crouched and whispering quietly. Sanji had tried eating only an hour ago. But that's not what he meant. The marksman meant when has Sanji chewed, swallowed, and digested a meal.  
"T..thirty days." It had been thirty-two days, but the two was too hard to say. Usopp gulped again.  
He gave the cook a soft smile, and left his vision for a moment. He returned with a glass of water.  
"Sanji, is it okay if I go get Chopper?" Usopp's voice had never felt so soft, kind, and full of love. Sanji wondered if that's how he spoke to Kaya when she was sick, or the Merry when they left her for the Thousand Sunny.  
"S'okay.." Sanji slurred out. His face was still numb, but the cosiness of the blankets kept his body warm.  
While Usopp was gone, Sanji fell asleep without the assistance of gin for the first time in a month.  
He woke up to tiny hooves pressing a stethoscope to his chest. Usopp stood behind Chopper, concern painted across his face.  
"Sanji!” Chopper cried, tears welling in his eyes. "I shouldn't have to be the one telling you how important food is!”  
"Crew.. more imp..ort.ant.." Sanji tried to explain, but without the usual firmness in his voice, he wasn't very convincing.  
"I'm going to give you an IV of nutrients. Usopp will come and give you water and glucose every few hours, okay?" Chopper explained in his doctoring voice.  
Sanji nodded. There was no avoiding this. He didn't deserve their help or their kindness, yet Chopper and Usopp were both here. Why?  
Sanji winced as the IV was inserted. Before leaving, Chopper swiped Sanji's cigarettes from his pocket. He was too tired to protest.  
Sanji was left alone with Usopp.  
"I'm cold." Mumbled Sanji. Usopp wasn't sure what to do, nervously moving closer to the medical bed. As he knelt beside Sanji's face, the cook scrambled forward to press himself into the warm chest of his friend.  
"Hey- you'll fall out! Be careful!” Usopp panicked, watching Sanji's IV carefully. Once the cook stopped moving, Usopp pulled the blankets back over his shoulders. "stupid Sanji." He muttered.  
"I'm sorry." Sanji whispered, barely loud enough for Usopp to hear. But he heard. And Usopp patted Sanji's hair, hoping he would go to sleep. 

Over the next few days, Sanji stayed in the medical bay. Usopp and Chopper took turns bringing him water and glucose, slowly introducing food and taking away the IV.  
Usopp hung around a lot, the storms had passed and Chopper didn't mind if he built small things on the floor. They got to talk a lot, in that time. Sanji mostly asked about Kaya and how Usopp made all his cool gadgets.  
Usopp tried to avoid asking about food and why Sanji starved himself, but considering he was a cook, it was hard to ignore. 

"You can ask, you know." Sanji said, taking a sip of the tangerine soup Nami had made. He was sitting up, his feet planted on the floorboards.  
"Why'd you do this to yourself, man?" Usopp responded, looking up from the new star he was working on. Colour was back in Sanji's face, and he was starting to look less gaunt.  
"Ah, well." Sanji sighed and put his empty bowl on the floor. "I just... I didn't feel worthy of food, you know? Like it was something for people working hard towards things. And then I looked in the mirror and saw myself, really saw myself and I was just... Disgusting. And I didn't deserve the food. Cooking hurt, if hurt so much. The smells, the sounds... I was just overwhelmed with it all." His eyes began to water, betraying him. He couldn't talk about it. He couldn't talk about them. But he needed... He needed to talk about it.  
"Not eating. It just. Reminded me of everything. Really made me think. You're all chasing your dreams, properly working towards them. And I'm just... tagging along. What if there is no All Blue, you know? Then this, me... I'm nothing. And nothing doesn't deserve to eat..." A sob heaved in his chest.  
Usopp carefully put down what he was holding, and slowly sat beside Sanji. He wrapped his arms around the chef, holding the crying man. He pulled him in to his chest. He held him tight.  
"You're not nothing, Sanji." Usopp's voice returned to the soft, loving tone he reserved only for his closest friends. For Kaya, for the Merry... For Sanji. "You're the chef for the greatest pirate crew on the grand line. You're the lovable, strong, beautiful cook for the pirate king." Usopp swallowed, and blinked back his tears.  
"I know... But I didn't want to waste our rations on me. You're all more important." Sanji heaved, "I'm replaceable."  
"You're our friend. It wouldn't have been a waste. We always find a way out, Sanji. Even if those storms kept up for a thousand years, we'd have found some way to survive. You don't need to suffer so we can thrive."  
"I'm sorry." Was all Sanji could say. He curled in further to Usopp's chest, his ear pressed closely to the thumping of his heart. Th-bump, th-bump, thump bump.  
Usopp patted his friends hair, quietly rocking him in his arms. "You don't need to be sorry. Everything is okay. The All Blue is out there, you know it is. We'll find it."  
"Thank you." Sanji wanted to apologise again, and part of him wanted him to throw up, to go back to just gin and darts.  
But the confidence in Usopp's words reassured him. Made him really believe that he was okay. That he wasn't nothing. That maybe, he was worthy of food and love.


End file.
